Valentine’s Day Expectations in Relationships and Marriage

Valentine’s Day can feel romantic and meaningful.

It can also feel heavy.

In my work providing couples counselling in Ontario, I often see how Valentine’s Day highlights deeper communication patterns and unmet expectations within relationships.

Many high functioning couples appear successful on the outside, yet struggle privately with communication breakdowns, attachment dynamics, and recurring emotional triggers.

Because beneath the flowers, dinner reservations, and social media posts, there are expectations.

Unspoken expectations.

Mind reading.

Sometimes unrealistic expectations.

I often hear things like:

“I shouldn’t have to ask.”

“They should just know.”

“If they loved me, they would do this.”

After more than 17 years working in couples counselling and relationship therapy, I can tell you this:

Expectations without clear communication often turn into resentment.

Resentment slowly erodes emotional connection.

For many couples, the disappointment is not about the gift or the dinner.

It is about wanting to feel chosen.

Prioritized.

Seen.

Valued.

Valentine’s Day does not create relationship problems.

It reveals underlying patterns that are already there.

Our expectations are often shaped by our past experiences. If you grew up feeling overlooked, you may long for grand gestures. If you learned to be independent and self-sufficient, you may struggle to ask for what you need. If you equate love with performance, you may feel pressure to get everything right.

This is where unconscious beliefs and emotional triggers come into play.

In relationship counselling, we look at how early experiences shape attachment styles, communication habits, and conflict patterns. When couples understand the root of their reactions, they can respond with awareness instead of defensiveness. This approach to couples counselling focuses on identifying unconscious beliefs, attachment patterns, and recurring emotional triggers that drive conflict beneath the surface.

Instead of asking, “Why didn’t they do more?”

Consider asking, “What do I truly need right now?”

Have I clearly communicated that need?

Is my reaction about today, or is it connected to something older?

Healthy relationships are built on intentional communication, emotional responsibility, and clarity around expectations.

Whether you are in a committed partnership, navigating challenges, healing after infidelity, or single and preparing for a healthier relationship, this work matters.

If Valentine’s Day brings up disappointment, frustration, or longing, it may be an opportunity for growth rather than conflict.

Healthy relationships are not built on assumptions. They are built on clarity, emotional responsibility, and intentional communication. When couples understand their attachment patterns and unconscious expectations, they can shift from blame to collaboration.

For couples ready to move beyond surface conversations, I offer couples counselling in Ontario, private relationship intensives, and retreat experiences designed to address patterns at the root level.

Connection is not built on assumption.

It is built on awareness and action.

Joanna L. Cox

Couples Counselling in Ontario and Virtual Relationship Intensives